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Dear People Who Live in Fancy Tiny Houses

Do you actually love living in a fancy tiny house*? You look so freakin’ happy in that Dwell Magazine article or Buzzfeed post, but c’mon, you can’t tell me that you don’t lie awake at night, your face four inches from the ceiling because the only place your bed fits is above the kitchen sink which also acts as your shower, and think, “I’ve made a terrible mistake.”

Look, I’m not criticizing you. I commend you for making this giant leap. Since we humans seem comfortable with pillaging Mother Earth of all her resources, I believe more people should think like you. But 250 square feet? What the hell happens when your tiny house partner farts Mexican food farts, huh? Where do you escape to? Nowhere. You have nowhere to run. All you can do is walk three feet to the other end of the house and pray.

I f'ing love the idea of downsizing and living a “simple life,” but seriously, where do you put your shit? You still have some clothing and shoes and towels and all that jazz, right? Or do you just wear overalls now?

Hey. Do you have privacy in your tiny house? God damn, I have so many questions.

What if you’re having a shitty day and you just want to be alone? You can’t be alone, right? Because your partner or children are sitting two to ten feet away from you at all times. Don’t you feel like a rat trapped in a cage? Don’t you ever want to turn toward your lover or spawn and shout, “Get out! Get out of my tiny house!”

What about sexy time, huh? There is no f'ing way your kids aren’t hearing that shit. If you’re boinking four feet from your offspring, they might grow up to hate tiny things and end up building a McMansion with ten empty bedrooms just to spite you. Each bedroom will represent their years of lost innocence.

Some of you tiny house dwellers don’t even have beds! WHERE IS THE BED?! Even that dog is like, “Where the fuck is the bed, guys?” What about guests?

Where do you put your guests? Can friends and family even visit you? Do you have friends and family? ANSWER ME, DAMMIT! Are people now afraid of you?

“Honey, want to go visit Petal & Ralph out in their 250-square-foot house this weekend?” “Are you shitting me? That place smells like a hot box of Mexican food farts.”

Guys, you know when the zombie apocalypse comes you’re going to be the first to go, right? Four zombies could pick up and shake your tiny house like a Smart Car. Your bodies will be flung out the windows like hornets shaken from a nest. You’re only going to have that one cooking pan and farts to save yourself.

Be honest: You just want to live out your life like a Wes Anderson character, don’t you? You want to be some eccentric full of whimsy who doesn’t need modern tools or resources to live a fulfilling life. Well, good for you and your small abode. I hope you’re happy and that all my questions and concerns are just the ramblings of a jealous woman who wants a tiny house of her own.

All the best,
Lauren

Hipstercrite

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Protecting Yourself and Your Home: A Basic Warding Ritual

A warding ritual puts up a kind of permanent circle that protects you and your home from unwanted outside influences. It can also help your home feel safe, inviting, and relaxing.

This particular ritual requires walking the perimeter of the space to be warded. If you are a homeowner and you’d like to ward your entire lot, you will need to walk the borders of your property line outside your home. If you are warding an entire house, you may choose to walk the exterior perimeter as opposed to the interior.

In addition to warding your entire home, you may wish to place additional wards on specific rooms within your home. Doing so strengthens the protection. I prefer to ward my home first, and then ward my bedroom as well.

Gather your materials: I use salt water to represent earth and water together, and burning incense to represent air and fire together. You may combine elements like this or represent them singly using different materials. I have occasionally represented earth with sand, air with a large feather, fire with a candle, and water with ice. Decide if you want to represent the four elements in pairs or singly, and then choose elemental representations that work best for you.

Clear your space: Much the same way you clear a space before casting a circle, you will want to clear your home of negative and chaotic energies before you put up a protective ward. Clearing your space can be as simple as smudging with sage, or as complex as performing the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram, it’s up to you to decide which cleansing works best for you.

I prefer to walk every room in my home while ringing a bell loudly. Other sound-based cleansing includes the usage of singing bowls and clapping hands.

Cleansing may be also done with smoke or scent, as in smudging with sage smoke or heating essential oils like sandalwood or peppermint. Even something as simple as opening windows to allow in the sunshine and fresh air can accomplish the goal of cleansing. The idea is to chase away any negative or disruptive energy so that your home is fresh, clean, and calm. Remember, you want your wards to keep the good stuff inside and the bad stuff outside!

Perform your ritual: Choose which elemental representation to use first, and carry it with you while you walk the entire perimeter of the space to be warded in a clockwise direction. As you walk, visualize the element forming a great barrier going up all around the space. I visualize the four elemental barriers as mountains, waterfalls, leaping flames, and gusty winds full of leaves and sand. Pass the elements over all windows, doors, fireplaces, gates, etc. twice, for extra strength and protection.

As you pass each of the elements over your home, in turn, repeat this chant:

“By (element), I ward thee:
Guard this space against all ill will
and all those who wish me/us harm.”

If you are representing the four elements singly, you will circumambulate your space four times, each time chanting the above incantation for the specific element you carry. If you are representing the elements combined in pairs, you will circumambulate your space twice, alternating your chant back and forth between the two elements you carry.

Maintain your wards: With this ritual, you will create living wards that need regular maintenance to stay strong and effective. In a sense, you will need to feed and care for your ward as you would a pet. When I am healthy and my energy levels are up, I strengthen and repair my wards with my own energy. I sit in the center of my home with my eyes closed and my palms up and visualize pouring my own energy from my palms into the wards around me.

Another way to strengthen your wards s to draw energy from an outside source and channel it into your wards. I have accomplished this by channeling energy drawn from a candle into my wards, and also from warm sunbeams streaming through my windows. How you choose to maintain your wards is up to you, but you must understand that regular maintenance is important to keep your them strong and effective.

Ethical considerations: If your home is a shared space with family, significant others, roommates or other housemates, it is important to discuss your intentions with them before performing a warding ritual. It is entirely possible that housemates may feel uncomfortable with the idea of having the home warded. If this is your situation, it is important to respect their point of view. You may present your reasons why you believe warding the space would be beneficial, but I urge you against coercion or secretly warding the home anyway.

If you are unable to reach compromise with your housemates on warding the entire home, you may wish to ward your private space. I once warded my private bedroom in a college dormitory. If your bedroom is shared, you can also simply ward your own bed. This ritual can be made as large or as small as required.

If your home is rented and you plan to move out in the future, it is important to dispel and dismiss all wards and energies before you leave. Regardless of how you choose to bring your wards down, it is ethically imperative that you ground or dismiss any remaining energy residue so as to leave the space clean and fresh for the next residents. To help you accomplish this goal, you may wish to follow dismissal with a cleansing of the space like those mentioned previously in this article.

Common walls with other dwellings frequently occur in rental housing (apartments, duplexes, etc.) as well as in condominiums. In this case, it is important that your ward barriers stop where your walls do. Please take care that your ward barriers do not extrude into your neighbor’s living room or bedroom on the other side of your dining room wall. Similarly, be cautious that your wards do not spill outside your exterior walls into walkways or common areas around your dwelling.

Dismissing your wards: Whether you are leaving a rented dwelling, selling your house, or if you just need a fresh start, there are almost as many ways to tear down and dismiss your wards as there are ways to bring down a ritual circle. You may choose to circumambulate the space in a counterclockwise direction and dismiss the energies as you go. You can also sit stationary in the space and draw all the energies through you and ground them into the earth, leaving nothing behind.

I prefer to stand somewhere in the center of the warded space and picture the energy barriers around me. I hold my arms straight up and reach with my hands as though I could touch the ceiling of the ward. I visualize ripping a small hole in the ward and then gripping the edges of the hole, I bring my arms down to my sides, tearing the ward down around me and grounding the energies at my feet.

Make your wards your own: This ritual is fairly simple and straightforward. Try using it as a base upon which to build and create your own personal warding ritual. Remember to determine the extent of your ward ahead of time, and always consider the ethics of your particular situation. When gathering your materials, do not be afraid to use your favorite elemental representations, even if they are different from examples listed here.

The incantation must serve its intended purpose, but it need not be as bare and simple as the one suggested here. Try expounding upon it, adding to it, making it rhyme, singing it, and even dancing if you wish.

Footnotes: I am a member of the coven Goethe’s Garden, which has a listing here at WitchVox. My High Priest has used this ritual for many years, and he passed it on to me during my year-and-a-day dedication. I share it with you with his permission.

Witches Of The Craft

NOTE: The articles on these pages are mostly nonsense. For God’s sake, do not believe or attempt any of them! They are here as a testament to the stupidity and gullibility of humans, and proof that snake oil salesmen are still alive and prospering in the 21st century