The news you want - the way you want it


⊣ A former NASA employee reveals the details ⊢
A woman named Jackie claiming to be a former employee of NASA states that in 1979, she and her colleagues noticed several silhouettes of people while monitoring a transmission from the Viking Rover on Mars.

Until today she has been unable to resolve the question – how did they get there? Jackie called in to reveal her story to John Lear the ex- CIA pilot, ufologist, and popular conspiracy theorist. She is heard claiming that she managed the downlink telemetry from Viking and that she and a few colleagues were observing several computer screens when they were stunned to see what appeared to be two humanoids approaching:

“Then I saw two men in space suits – not the bulky suits we normally used, but they looked protective. They came over the horizon walking toward the Viking Explorer.”

Soon after the humanoid life forms emerged on her monitor the transmission stopped.

“We ran upstairs but the door was locked and paper taped to it so we couldn’t see in. My question is: were they our guys?”

John Lear has numerous intriguing and provocative theories concerning these claims. One of his hypothesis is that that the Apollo moon landing was a cover-up for top-secret exploration of the entire solar system. Lear also believes that the 9/11 attacks were associated with this conspiracy.
Daily Mail

Facebook predicted by Nostradamus

A translated quatrain, the poetic way in which Nostradamus revealed his prophecies, refers to faces having their own book.

There is even a reference to someone called Mark, possibly Mark Zuckerberg.

“For each soul their own place forever
Faces will be the book of now
The weak rejoice as demons feed
Henceforth, he will leave his Mark”

Professor Jules Scaliger, a long time follower of Nostradamus said, “This is clearly about Facebook. The fact that it even has the word ‘feed’, suggests he was talking about the News Feed on Facebook. This is more proof that Nostradamus was clearly a prophet.”

Scholars are now scrambling to see if Nostradamus mentions anything about Twitter, Ping or Google+.

The Canberra News Digestive

The Truth About Windmills

Wind turbines

These so-called ‘environmentally friendly’ wind turbines are well and good, but surely statistically 50% of the time the wind is blowing in the other direction.

This will make them spin in the other direction, sucking power from the grid instead. I’m only a butcher and I figured that out. So why we pay boffins like Professor Brian Cox fat research grants is anybody’s guess.

Adrian Newth, Stratford On Avon

Hawaii’s Porn Usage Tanked After Missile Alert, Then Spiked After False Alarm News

For nearly 40 terrifying minutes, many residents of Hawaii thought they were under attack after a false missile alert was sent to phones statewide.

Multiple stories have emerged as to what people did in the time between the first alert and its later cancellation. Some sought shelter, some sent farewells to loved ones, and others like HuffPost reporter Carla Herreria squabbled over a tractor.

One thing that most Hawaiians did not do ― which may help restore some of your faith in humanity ― was looking at pornography.

On Wednesday, adult website Pornhub released data about how traffic to its website from Hawaii changed in the minutes from the first alert to the second. As the initial warning pinged phones in the state shortly after 8 a.m. local time, traffic to Pornhub plunged by nearly 60 percent almost immediately.

“Based on real-time, per-minute page views, and compared to levels on the previous two Saturdays, our statisticians found a precipitous drop in traffic at 8:07 a.m. immediately after the warning was sent out,” Pornhub said.

Traffic kept falling as news of the alert spread, and by 8:23 a.m., it was down a whopping 77 percent. But around that time, news started filtering through that the missile alert was a mistake, an error made by an employee at the Hawaii Emergency Management Agency. Although a second updated message was not sent to phones until nearly 8:45 a.m., local politicians, and media were updating the situation and urging people to remain calm well before that.

As the false alarm was confirmed, traffic to Pornhub climbed steadily, and by 9:01 a.m., page views were nearly 50 percent above average. For the rest of the morning, views remained above average.

“As residents were notified around 8:45 that the initial warning was sent in error, traffic began to return to normal and Hawaiians collectively breathed a sigh of relief,” the website said. “Those seeking further relief headed back to Pornhub.”

Huffington Post

DEARBORN, MI—Forming a macabre display of safety-related anthropomorphic horror, thousands of dismembered and carefully arranged crash test dummies were found lining newly discovered catacombs beneath Ford’s River Rouge Complex, sources reported Thursday. “As my eyes gradually adjusted to the gloom of the labyrinthine tunnels below the plant, the patterns on the walls were slowly revealed to be dismembered dummy parts stretching far into the darkness,” said factory worker Tony Bosso, who stumbled upon the maze of dummy remains after accidentally stepping on a decapitated test-mannequin head while inventorying a warehouse basement. “The first dummies I found were from the mid-Taurus period, but there’s a whole Mustang gallery, and a charred vestibule from the Pinto era, and so on back—maybe even to Model T times, we don’t yet know. And everywhere you look there are inscriptions warning of the dangers of not wearing your seatbelt. I just can’t get the images out of my mind.” Ford representatives said that they intend to fully investigate the existence of macabre mechanical caverns, and that the dummy remains would be treated with the respect due their sacrifice.

The Onion

NOTE: The articles on these pages are mostly nonsense. For God’s sake, do not believe or attempt any of them! They are here as a testament to the stupidity and gullibility of humans, and proof that snake oil salesmen are still alive and prospering in the 21st century